Precious

 

Outside my room rain hammers against the porch and sloshes down the window panes. Wind drives the trees into a frenzy. I sit in front of my computer and listen to the sounds of spring arriving, the sounds of winter refusing to subside quietly. As I watch black letters appear on the white background of my computer screen, I try to remember that I am precious. That it doesn’t matter whether I have a job, whether I ever earn another penny or write another poem or sing another song. It doesn’t matter whether I finish any of my novels or publish another book of poetry. I am precious just by virtue of being myself.

The phone just rang and someone on the other end asked for money. “I’m sorry,” I said, “but I’m not able to donate at this time.” They lowered the amount three times, and each time I said no. Finally they hung up in my ear, just as another “I’m sorry” died on my lips. And still I tell myself I am precious, for who else will say it if I do not?

This world has been given to me, and I have been given to this world. The gray rainy days and wet indigo nights of winter will give way to the warm, gold days and lush, emerald nights of spring. I am precious in any weather, in any season. I am precious at any age, at any size.

In a few weeks I will celebrate my 48th birthday. In the past 10 months I have lost seventy pounds. The old parameters I used to define myself are melting away. Seismic waves of change ripple through my life and yet everything seems to be at a standstill. What can I do? What can I think? What  can I say? There is only one thing, really: ”I am precious.”

Remembering myself as precious gives me an anchor, a way to keep myself limber for the challenges of life. The house is quiet just now, except for air rumbling in the heating ducts. Where I am it is nearly 9 pm. No one home but me and two sleeping cats. I am grateful for my life. I am lucky. I am precious.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

Madly in Lust

For some time now,  I have been obsessed with actor Vincent D’Onofrio. He plays Detective Robert Goren on the television show Law and Order: Criminal Intent. He just does it for me. The character he plays is incredibly smart, and brains have always turned me on. When I was a kid, I actually had a crush on Sherlock Holmes — that’s how hot I am for intelligence!

I found a website that gives a monthly schedule of all movies and television shows featuring Mr. D’Onofrio. (Let me just take this moment to say “Oh My God, I LOVE the Internet!) I have been watching accordingly, enjoying myself immensely.

I must admit, however, that I recently started wondering exactly why I find this man so fascinating. I am married, and I love my husband very much. I have been with him for 23 years and we have a very fulfilling and exciting life together — in all areas. So why am I fantasizing about Vincent D’Onofrio?

Finally, as I was chopping vegetables at the kitchen sink the other day, I figured it out. He is brilliantly creative. His on-screen characters bristle with understated power. Hell, I wish I was him! Well, what I really wish is that I had the power he does. And the thing of it is, I do. Somewhere down deep inside me, I believe we all have the power to be so outstandingly excellent at something that we create magic while we are doing it.

I write and perform my own poetry and songs. I have been told I create magic when I do. The problem is, not all of me believes that I really do. For all I know, Vincent D’Onofrio is unaware of his power. He says that his only goal is to do his best, to give 100% of himself to his art. I guess that’s also what I want — to let go of my self doubt entirely, and focus on giving all of myself to the written and spoken word.

I have little doubt that I will write about this again. Thank you for reading. Comments, as always, are welcome.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~