Lovely Day at Home Alone

My life has been such a whirlwind of social activity for the past eight days that I’m physically and mentally exhausted. Every night for seven nights in a row I attended poetry readings and got up to perform for at least five minutes. That may not sound so exhausting, but take it from me: practicing to do my poems from memory, selecting the right poem at the right time, waiting to perform, and then keeping it together in front of audiences of varying sizes in myriad settings takes a lot of energy, and doing all that several nights in a row is exhausting.

Today I’m spending the day at home, alone (except for phone calls and two kitty cats, who can be seen in the photo above). Tonight I will cook myself a delicious, healthy meal and give myself permission to veg in front of the TV as long as I want, or do whatever else takes my fancy.  Soon I will be on again, as I have some long-anticipated plans for later in the week, as well as a full weekend.

Right now, however, I am simply going to enjoy the cup of tea I just prepared — Yogi Tea India Spice, sweetened with rice milk and stevia — and relax. Tomorrow is tomorrow, and it will wait until I get there. Today is just for me.

 ~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

Where Am I Going?

I’m scared because I don’t know the answer to that question. I used to actually think I did, which is also scary —  in different way. I’m trying to let go of my need to know my destination. I believe I’ll be much happier if just follow my bliss, let it take me where it will. And my bliss, if you don’t know by now, is writing.

For a year or so I have been calling myself a Word Shaman, because I know I am able to work magic with a pen and paper or a keyboard and screen. Please understand, I am simply saying I am capable of working magic. I am humble enough to know that magic does not always result when I choose to put my thoughts into words.

Now would be a good example of the magic not happening. I think I know what I want to say, and yet I keep dancing around the point, circling it and not quite zeroing in. I’m feeling scared today, and sad. I keep finding myself on the verge of tears. Then a few minutes later I want to dance. After a few spins I find myself wondering what I’m going to make for dinner. And maybe that’s all normal, but I somehow feel like everything is spinning out of control, even as I sit quietly typing away on my silicon keyboard that makes barely any sound as I press my fingers into the keys.

Is any of this making any sense? I just read it over and I really can’t tell. Yes, on second thought, I can. I’m so confused. And maybe that’s normal, too.

I went dancing this morning and caught myself giving my body an extremely critical appraisal each time I saw it in the mirror. Then I looked around at all the other dancers, who came in all shapes, sizes, heights, and weights. I found them all beautiful, yet had difficulty extending that same loving acceptance to myself. So I said to myself, “Never mind how I think my body looks. How does it feel?” And I answered, “It feels good! I’m having fun!” So I asked, “What do other people see when they look at me?”

The answer, which ought to have been obvious, surprised me: “They see someone who feels good and is having fun.” And how can that be ugly? Unless, of course, the person observing has major issues with feeling good and having fun. And if they did, dancing would probably not be their first choice of activity on a sunny Sunday in early May.

I’m not certain what the preceding story about my dance experience today has to do with the central theme of this post. Of course, that assumes that this post has a central theme and that I still know what it is — if, indeed, I ever did. The editor in me wants to split this into two separate posts, one about my life direction and one about loving myself more. I know the two are linked, so I choose to leave them together.

It’s very warm here today and my head hurts, probably from dehydration. Time to stop working my brain so hard and go guzzle some refreshment. Hope you get something out of this, and thanks for reading.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

Summertime, Summertime, Sum-sum-summertime!

I do love the feeling in the air as Spring gives way to Summer. May is a gorgeous, glowy, showy month in which everything is green and blooming. Today I danced around my living room and kitchen to songs on the radio as I happily swept the floors. Then I hummed a tune as I ironed two blouses and washed another in the bathroom sink. Housework is usually my least favorite thing to do, so now you know how happy I get when I breathe in Summertime on the breezes of May!

This year will be my first Summer as a size 12 in thirty-four years. Over the last year, I’ve  gone from a size 22 to a size 12. For many, many years I wore extra layers of body fat. I learned to love myself at size 22. I turned my weight into a cause, created a poetry slam persona based on my size. I crusaded for the rights of large women (and men) everywhere. I know there are people who think I’ve “sold out,” that I’ve lost weight because it was the expected thing to do in a world where “thin is in.”

What I have done is gotten healthy. One year ago I was in physical misery. My allergies were out of control. I had painful joints and constant flare ups of bursitis in my right hip. I had gout in my right middle toe. I was tired all the time, depressed a lot, and kept getting candidiasis. I felt ill a lot of the time and would sometimes get severe migraines.

One year later, I am filled with energy. I rarely have even mild headaches, and my joint pain is completely gone. So are my gout and my bursitis. If you regularly read these pages, you know I still struggle with the blues, yet I can tell when I am in the midst of feeling them how different they are; now, the blues do not define me; now, I know that there is joy and love waiting for me on the other side.

I still have candidiasis, and probably will for a while. I have suffered from this systemic yeast infection for most of my life, so I expect it will take time to purge it completely from my system. And I am ready to do that. I am settling in for the long haul.

Thanks for reading, as always, those of you who do. Comments welcome, and happy start of summer to you!

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~