All my life my emotions have run deep. I held them back for years, stopping short of full expression because there was just so much to express. I felt overwhelmed when strong emotions would rise up inside me. I felt safe openly expressing only one: anger.
Thanks to a recent session with an amazing Shamanic Soul Coach (and many previous, leading up to this one), I am now minus my inner judge and the dam has broken. I find myself weeping several times a day, and just as quickly I move to a thought or memory that brings laughter. Often I laugh so deeply that tears come. For the first time in my life, I see that this is normal. This is me.
My very first therapist once said to me, as I sat in her office weeping and wracked with shame, pain, and grief, “I know this is challenging for you, but don’t you feel alive?” I got angry because all I felt was pain. I felt raw and vulnerable and yes, alive, but I couldn’t see that as a good thing.
Now, as I sit here typing this message and cycling through my emotions, I know what she meant. I feel alive and in my body. I feel open. I feel free.
Last night I forgave myself for deciding never to have children. I was unaware of the guilt I’ve carried all these years for making that decision, and last night I remembered myself as a young woman and knew I had made the right decision. I was so raw, so wounded. I had so much rage and so much shame. I would have passed those burdens to my children. In a rage I might have injured them irreparably — in their bodies and their souls. In doing so, I would have destroyed myself.
What a mix of emotions I feel in this moment: grief, regret, elation, joy. And underneath them all, a new-found peace, freshly born and a little wobbly, yet definitely there. Thank you for reading and for witnessing the first steps of this new self, one who approaches the world from a foundation of acceptance and peace rather than rage. Now I want to sing! And so I shall. . .
~Love and Blessings,
Selene~
